A Freaky Easter Fic
by Capybara
Summary: I know that it is way past Easter, but I just re-discovered this on my computer. It involves Hughes in a pink Easter bunny suit. Read the insanity at your own risk.


Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Sadly.

A/N: All right. It has come to my attention that I have written only romance fics for Fullmetal Alchemist. So here goes my attempt at insane humor. (I know Easter was a long time ago, but I just found this file on my computer. I had totally forgotten about it.) I re-read this and decided it was worth a try. Please forgive me if it sucks. I'm not normally a humorous person.

Roy was having a nice nap. Until someone knocked on the door. Roy was not having a nice nap anymore. He growled under his breath when he realized that his cheek bore the impressions of the random office objects he had fallen asleep on.

"What?" He demanded grumpily. Anything that disturbed his nap had better be something serious.

"HAPPY EASTER!" yelled the gigantic pink bunny that threw open the door and burst into the room. Mustang jumped up and pulled out the cross that he always kept in his desk—just in case.

"DEMON BEGONE!" Roy waved the cross around. The pink bunny giggled. "Geez Roy, it's just me!"

Roy lowered the cross cautiously. That voice was familiar. "Hughes?" Roy asked. The pink bunny nodded. "Isn't this cool Roy! I got this costume for Alicia! My cute daughter's just going to love this, don't you think? I can already imagine the smile on her face!"

Roy raised an eyebrow, "I didn't know the Easter bunny was a pedophile."

The pink bunny stood there. "A pedophile? I am most certainly not—"

"Well, you talk about you daughter all of the time! I just figured—" Roy grinned.

"Ahaha. Very funny," The Hughes Easter bunny folded his arms. "Uh, Roy, did you fall asleep again?"

"What makes you think that?" Roy demanded huffily.

"You have an awful imprint on your cheek," The Hughes Easter bunny said.

"It's a fatal disease, and I don't want to talk about it!" Roy answered in a hurt voice.

The Easter bunny was silent for a moment. "Oh Roy, I'm sorry, I didn't know..."

Roy cackled. "You actually believed me? What a gullible idiot you are!"

The Easter bunny looked slightly deflated. "That was mean. Gullible, maybe, but idiot...AHA! So you admit that you fell asleep!"

"Duh."

The Hughes Easter bunny asked, "So where did you get the cross? You an exorcist or something?"

Roy shoved the cross in his desk. "I don't know what you're talking about. What cross?"

The Hughes Easter bunny replied, "I'm not stupid Roy. Where did you get the cross?"

"YOU DIDN'T SEE THE CROSS!" Roy screamed. The Easter bunny backed away. "Okay, okay. Hey, I'm going to go see a few of the other officers, okay? Bye!"

Roy sighed and slumped back down on his desk to return to his nap.

"Happy Easter Lieutenant Hawkeye!" the large pink Hughes bunny stampeded into her office. Hawkeye, who had been speaking with Armstrong and Havoc, took one look at the creepy-looking bunny and drew her gun.

"Whoa! Don't shoot!" Hughes screamed, putting his bunny paws up to his bunny ears. Riza still had her pistol aimed at point-blank range on the bunny. Though her grip on the firearm was steady, the look in her eyes was one of pure horror.

"W-what a horrible shade of pink..." She whispered, her voice trembling.

"Calm down Lieutenant, it's just Hughes dressed up like a fool!" Armstrong proclaimed. "I, of the honorable Armstrong line, would not be caught dead in something that hideous!"

Havoc simply raised his eyebrow and put a cigarette to his lips.

"Isn't this cute! Alicia's going to just love this, don't you think? Oh, I know what you're all wondering, and no, I didn't bring any chocolate for you, but what a small sacrifice—all of your chocolate goes to the most perfect child in the whole world!" The Hughes bunny hopped around.

Hawkeye, on the other hand, had still not recovered. A bead of sweat slid down her forehead. "So...much...pink..." She refused to lower her pistol, even though she was now aiming at air.

"Whoa. Earth to Lieutenant Hawkeye, I'm smoking in your office!" Havoc said, waving a hand in front of her face. Riza blinked rapidly. "Get that stupid thing out of your mouth right now, or I'll shoot it out!"

"That's good. I was starting to worry about you for a second—" Armstrong remarked.

Havoc threw the lit cigarette in the trash can. It immediately caught flame.

"Now look what you've done! That bad habit of yours is going to kill us all someday!" Riza scolded, pulling out a miniature fire extinguisher from her pocket and spraying the contents on the smoldering garbage.

"Where on earth did you get something like that?" The Hughes bunny asked.

Riza shrugged. "I figure hand-held fire extinguishers should be standard issue—due to a certain colonel." She glanced at the pink Hughes bunny and shuddered. "Anyway, I-I've got some...uh...things to take care of. We'll talk later, Major Armstrong, Havoc." Hastily she left the room.

Havoc turned to Armstrong and spoke quietly, "You know, I think she's afraid of pink. Like every other girly thing in the world. Have you ever seen her with lipstick?"

Armstrong thought for a moment. "No, I haven't."

"Exactly. You know, I'll bet she's a—" Havoc whispered something in Armstrong's ear.

"She's a what? I wanna know too!" Hughes whined, and leaned over to Havoc. Havoc told him.

"YOU THINK RIZA'S A LESBIAN!" Hughes yelled at the top of his lungs.

"Shut up!" Havoc pleaded. "The whole world heard that! But yes, I do. I mean, she's scared to death of anything womanly."

"YOU THINK I'M A WHAT!" Riza stomped into the office. Havoc dashed and hid under the desk.

"Nothing, nothing at all, Lieutenant!" Armstrong said innocently. Riza sighed and turned to the Hughes bunny, too angry to be afraid of his coloring.

"What. Did. You. Say?" She asked in a deadly calm voice.

Hughes whimpered. Riza drew her gun again.

"A-a lesbian!" Hughes croaked out. "But it was all Havoc's idea, I swear it!"

"I'll kill you for that Hughes!" Havoc called from under the protection of Riza's desk. Riza simply glared at Hughes and Armstrong, both who were tense and were silently reciting their final prayers.

"What is going on in here? I heard someone screami—" Riza grabbed the unsuspecting Roy, who had just entered the room, and kissed him hard on the mouth.

Havoc, Armstrong, and Hughes stood stunned with wide eyes.

"There," Riza said, releasing her death-grip on Roy. "Want to reconsider your ideas?"

Havoc, Armstrong, and Hughes nodded meekly.

Roy simply blinked in confusion, his imprinted cheeks bright red.

"Now. Hughes, get out and don't come back until you're out of that godforsaken pink. Havoc, if I hear one more word out of you all day, you'll have so many holes in you that you won't be able to decide which one to stick a cigarette into. Major Armstrong, it will serve you well in life not to listen to people with such vivid imaginations," Riza commanded. All three addressed quickly dashed out of the room, not wanting to deal with any other things Hawkeye might throw at them, specifically little cylinders of lead.

Roy still stood there with the most dumbfounded look on his face. "What on earth was that for!" He asked in bewilderment. Riza sighed. "Sir, I—you don't want to know."

Roy nodded. "No, I'm sure that I don't. However, might I ask—you might want to repeat that again, so that I can enjoy it instead of being stunned beyond imagin—" He trailed off from the death glare he received.

"N-never mind. Have a nice afternoon, Lieutenant!" Roy scurried off. Riza sat down at her desk and smiled. She had to remember to use Roy to prove a point more often.

A/N: Yeahhhh...Well, tell me what you think. If you don't think that I should ever write humor again, tell me so that I don't embarass myself further. However, if you liked it...well, I'd like to hear that too.

P.S. Doesn't that Riza thing sound a lot like what happened in my fic "_Me Neither" _? Huh. Sorry for the possible repetitiveness.


End file.
